As a young woman, reading the passage on marriage relationships in Ephesians 5 often leaves me disquieted and uncomfortable. It frustrates me and devastates me - not necessarily because of what it says, but because of how people use it. I watched a video recently on Youtube, featuring a young husband and wife who were taking questions and giving advice on Christ-centered relationships. While I thought a lot of what they had to say was loving and focused on God, I felt uncomfortable listening to the young woman speak. She went on about how her husband is such a leader in her life, and consistently led her to God for guidance. Is that a bad thing? No! But this woman was so wrapped up in her husband being the "head" or the leader in her life. I wondered if that young woman felt she could only lean on Christ through the guidance of her husband. If she could ask the questions she wanted to ask about her faith. If she could take the responsibility for her faith, and realize that she has the strength and ability to lead as well. To be a leader in her own life, and her husbands.
Familiarly, the passage is referred to as Paul's Instruction for Christian Households. It talks about the relationship between a husband and a wife and how they are to love each other. This is the full passage:
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:21-33
Here is what frustrates me: when this passage is used to justify the man's role as the "spiritual leader" in the relationship. It frustrates me because I have been growing in a relationship with God - I am thankful that I can go directly to Him. There is nothing between God and I. It saddens me to think that I need someone to govern that relationship, someone to show me how I can relate to Christ. I want to be a leader for the children that I have some day and for others in my life. I want someone who leads with me. I desire an authentic and independent relationship with Christ, and someday, I want to live life with someone who desires that same thing.
I have read this passage over many times, and discussed it with my parents and friends. I know what it says. I have also prayed about it, and tried to dig deeper into it. These are some thoughts I have worked out on the passage.
Don't Skip the First Line
Submit to one another out of Reverence for Christ. There it is. It is the first thing that Paul says. One another. Submission on both parts. And what for? For Christ. This line very often gets passed by - but it is part of the whole picture. Paul is expressing how important commitment and fidelity is to a Christ-centered relationship. Paul is calling both the wife and husband into action. They are both responsible parties in the relationship.
Spiritual Partnership
If you read the rest of the passage without reading this first line,
its meaning can take on something totally different. The passage goes
on to describe the male as the "head" and the female as being like the
church. Jesus is the head of the church - his people - and he also lays
down his life for the church. To have a Church-Jesus relationship, there is sacrifice on both ends.
From reading through this passage and spending time with couples in my life that model Christ-centered relationships, I have seen a spiritual partnership where both parties are focused on living their lives in Christ and encouraging each other to do the same. I believe that my relationship with Christ is my responsibility. I also believe that I am responsible for centering all of my other relationships on Him as well, and seeking His guidance. I want someone who lives in that same way. Who will walk beside me as we walk toward Christ.
Read it Through a Lens
The Bible is a book that we have to read carefully, and with prayer and guidance from God. I wholeheartedly believe that it is divinely-inspired, and that the living word of God is within the Bible. I don't think it is fair to take every word in that book at face-value, because it was penned by human hands.
Paul is writing in a time where most women probably couldn't read or write. He is also writing from the perspective or an unmarried man - one who never did get married. These are Paul's words, and we have to remember that Paul is not Jesus. I believe that he was a prayerful man, striving to live a Christ-like life, and his words were guided by the Holy Spirit - but he is not Jesus. We have to look at the way Jesus interacted with women. He spent time with Mary and Martha, His friends. He loved His mother, Mary. He stopped and talked to the woman at the well. Jesus did not regard women as lower than men.
Jesus calls women and men a like. He calls us to take responsibility for our relationship with Him. In marriage, He calls us to become one flesh (Mark 10:8). To no longer be separate, but to be as one. That means they are called together, they pray together, they make decisions together. They live a life in Christ together.
My Hope
This is why I write this: not just for myself, but for other girls my age, and older, and younger. I pray that you seek someone who wants to share your life in Christ with you. I pray that you sharpen each others' faith, and guide each other toward Jesus. I pray that you truly embrace being one flesh and living a life together. I believe if there is anyone in your life that does not believe that you can take responsibility, and be a leader in your life in Christ, then they are not really able to be a leader themselves. Leaders encourage each other.
In the video I was watching, the young man illustrated a God-centered marriage as being like a triangle. He talk about how as the man and woman walk together, they come closer and closer to the point - to God. That's just it - they have to walk together. One cannot walk ahead of the other, they both won't arrive at the same point. They can walk side by side toward Christ. As they near that point, they will find that a cord of three strands is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
~SP
* Rob Bell gives a really great exploration of Ephesians 5 in his book Sex God. It is thoughtfully written and very powerful. I highly recommend the entire book, but chapter 6, entitled Worth Dying For is focused on Ephesians 5.
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