Doubt

This is my biggest struggle right now.  Doubt.  I am struggling with a lot of insecurities of what the future brings.  Whether I will be selected for an internship.  Whether I will have the means to take that internship.  I've never experienced doubt this great.  Doubt that fractures trust.  It is consuming.

It is so hard to not be in on every detail, every step of the plan.  Because that is control - and I like control, because it makes me feel secure.  But I also know safety and security in Jesus - so how can that be so hard to rely on in this time?

A friend who prayed for me, and with me, a few weeks ago offered this up in prayer: God, it is when we are helpless and have surrendered that you do wonderful, amazing things, that You take control.  Sometimes we treat God as if He is the God that just shows up sometimes.  He reveals something wonderful to us, pours out blessing, and we say, oh look, there He is!  God just showed up.  But He didn't.  God was always there.  It was you or I that was holding out.  Holding on to the plans and trying to make our own.

It is not a magic trick.  There is no magic prayer or words that allow God to do His work.  It is you and I who have to do the surrendering.  God can take control of the plans with or without our surrender, and He does.  But He wants us to choose His will.  When we surrender, we realize that God didn't come running upon our decision.  He has been there all along - we just failed to see.

My doubt is holding me back from surrender.  So I pray.  I pray that I will be able to wholeheartedly give up the plans and surrender.  The the outcomes of my efforts in April, whatever they may be, are in God's hands.
Last summer, I stood in front of a bunch of kids and adults that I loved.  I told them about the God I knew, and how He provides exactly what we need.  And now I need to hear those words, with my ears and with my heart.  God provides.

God you are good, and you know my heart.  My standing up, and my sitting down.  You, who hem me in before and behind will carry me, love me, provide for me, and give me hope.  You ask for my surrender.  Help me where I am weak to lean on you.  Lift up the burden of doubt.  Let any plans that I may have, be yours.

Amen.