Dating Advice (The Kind Paul Would Like)

I can tell you this confidently: I have never wanted a boyfriend or gone looking for a boyfriend.  I have never felt that I needed a boyfriend.  Yes, I have dreamed myself into every Molly Ringwald role in a John Hughes film where she gets the guy at the end after being the underdog for most of the movie.  The thought of having someone that you have an individual and special relationship with is exciting!  But chasing it down, and constantly fretting over finding someone destroys some of that joy and can render a relationship empty purposeless - it is just a "space-filling" relationship.

Dating should be purposeful.  We should date to find the person that we want to spend our lives with.  But there are other things that God wants for us in our lives.  Marriage is just one of those many things.  When we only focus on finding a partner, when we put all other things in life on hold, we may be giving up incredible opportunities that God has for us.  

So if I could give advice to myself, my peers, and younger men and women (yes, this is not just a call out to young women, this is about young men too), this is what I would offer.

Your date-ability is determined by the One who created you, not by the measure of another person.  The first time someone told you that your value is in Christ alone, did you believe it?  For some, it just takes one instance, and for others they have to learn what value and identity in Christ mean.  Because I know that my worth is in Christ, I am fulfilled in a way that can't be taken away or matched by a person.  So I don't need to date a handful of guys to know that I am worthy of dating.  More dating does not make you better at dating - it is not something you need to gain experience in.  Dating boy or girl A will not prepare you to date boy or girl B.  If you are not approaching each relationship you have in your life as individual, you may be setting yourself up for an unhealthy relationship.

Take the stigmas off of singleness.  Singleness is not a disease.  It is not a situation.  It does not need to be remedied.  If you are using single and taken as the predominant markers of your identity, then you are in crisis.  You have to have your own identity - know who you are - before you enter into a relationship with another person.  Constantly being on the search for a relationship, or constantly being in relationships can stifle that self-discovery process that God guides us each through.  We end up spending more time discovering others that we are a stranger to our own hearts and our own gifts and callings.  As I mentioned previously, dating does not give you more experience.  In the same way, not dating does not atrophy your heart muscle, or your ability to be thoughtful and romantic.  The movies will sell us this idea that you can be "out of practice" if you haven't dated in a while.  A first date is always going to make you nervous and excited.  You are approaching a new situation - you should feel like you are exploring and getting to know things all over again.

Think about your environment and the atmosphere of your friendships.  Have you ever seen someone you know, a friend of yours, and instead of asking you about how you are doing, the first thing they ask you about is another person, maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend?  It feels like they don't care about you.  They care about the latest updates on your relationship.  When you sit down to lunch with a friend, is the first thing you talk about dating, their relationships, your relationships?  It takes away your individuality and their individuality.  

Is your school one of those "ring by spring" schools?  That is an unfair expectation and an unnecessary pressure.  Marriage is not the sole purpose of your life, it should not be the sole purpose of your education.

Take your time; accumulate some "when we were dating" stories.  There is no rush.  You are never too old to get married or to start a new relationship.  When I am with friends later in life, or when I have children someday, I want to be able to tell them "when we were dating" stories.  Not just one or two stories, but a bunch of them.  There is something that is different about a dating story, that a newly married story.  There is a different element of excitement.  I also want to be able to tell my husbands stories.  Not just a few, but a bunch.  I really want to know about his life before we share our life together.  

~SP        

         

I Know Who Goes Before Me: Where is God in the Midst Of...

One of the biggest questions of our time is "Where is God," or "Where was God in the midst of tragedy."  If we laid out a calendar and penciled in all the tragedies and atrocities that have occurred over the past year, it would be a heartbreaking and painstaking task.  Some tragedies mark one hour, one day and some are dragged out for weeks, if not months.  We've watched as innocent people, innocent children, lose their lives for senseless reasons.  We've watched families and towns mourn.  And even those with faith built on the firmest of foundations find themselves wondering why it couldn't all have been stopped.  Where was God when it all happened?

Then we progress to the rationalizing - there has to be reason within all of the senselessness.  So we build ourselves a foundation of broken reasoning, lies others tell us, lies we tell ourselves.  Some will say it is God's will for terrible things to happen.  Some will say there is no God.  And the rubble continues to pile up until we are buried.

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Here is what I believe to be true: God's will is perfect.  God created this world, and created us, and He loves us.  None of us remember this one particular moment, because the parts of our brain that control our memory are still developing at this time.  It happens right after we are born.  We give our first cry, and the nurse cleans us up just enough to make us presentable.  Then he or she hands us to our mother, and the world stands still.  It is a moment of pure joy, that we too may one day know.  It is also a moment of uncertainty, because that moment begins a journey.  There is no way of knowing who we will be years or decades away from that moment.  But our mother is so overwhelmed by joy and love that she is willing to take that journey, and let us go from that moment on.  When we were created by our Heavenly Father, He loved us with such a deep and profound love that He gave us the choice to love Him.  It is a gesture of love that we may never truly understand; and we may often become disconcerted when we witness its consequences.  Yet, when we make the choice to love Him, God's perfect will is continuously revealed to us.

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This too, is what I believe: God's will is borne of love and He wants good things for His children.  Our will is not in line with God's will.  I believe that hatred and harm are borne out of the anger and brokenness of human hearts.  We have the opportunity to push away from God's will.  And then questions arise, like why does God let us do that?  Why does God let tragedy happen?  That is one of the grayest gray areas.  Many arguments will start with God let this happen because... Others will start with God doesn't "let" things happen... I think the answer depends on how we know God.  For me, I know that God loves me.  He wants me to chase after His will and His heart.  He has given me that choice.  Sometimes my desires step outside of God's will.  Having free will is not like being a dog with an electric fence around its yard.  I can step outside the bounds.  But that free will, that choice is always constant.  There is choice right up until the very last moment.  There is choice right up until the trigger of the gun is pulled, right up until the crime is committed.

Even now I find myself starting to talk and think in circles, because there will always be something that I can't put my finger on.  There will always be a puzzle piece that evades me.  There will always be an element I cannot explain.  I am ok with that because I trust God.

In Sunday School-type Christian education, I was often told that God's will will prevail.  I believe that is true.  What I took that to mean was that in the end of every situation, things will be exactly as God wants them to be.  What that can translate into for some is that certain individuals will survive horrible circumstances and certain individuals will not.  But I think we are meant to look at a bigger picture.  God's will will prevail.  His Kingdom will come.  It will be on Earth as it is in Heaven.  One thing I often forget, and isn't made totally clear in those short Sunday School lessons - we are a part of God's will.  God's will is for us to live out His callings for us.  We are a part of that Kingdom come.  We are a part of that on Earth as it is in heaven.

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So where is God in the midst of tragedy?  The answer is in the question: He is right there in the midst of it.  Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  God goes before us into the rubble and destruction.  He steps into the midst of a family crisis before it happens.  He is in the midst of a town ravaged by loss.  He is in the midst of a nation devastated by war or natural disaster.  God knows every hurt that will be felt and every tear that will be shed.  He stands there.  He is the foundation underneath the rubble that we will rebuild upon.    

~SP  

We Pray that All Unity May One Day Be Restored

A friend shared with me a great sermon from a church that she has been attending.  It focused on John 17, which is a beautiful passage where Jesus pours out His love for the world in a prayer.  It is a flood of Jesus' hope for His people.

The pastor of this church called it Jesus' last lecture, likening it to the Last Lecture delivered by Professor Randy Pausch, who delivered a final lecture after he was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.  He wasn't necessarily comparing the two lectures because of their content - but because both of these men were nearing the end of their lives.  The pastor made the point that we tend to heed the words of those that are approaching their end more attentively.  We look for them to share their hopes and their fears with us.  The pastor then begins to pick apart John 17.

One point that stuck out to me from the sermon was the extrapolation of verses 20-21: "My prayer is not for them alone.  I pray also for those who will believe in me through their [the disciples] message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.  May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me."

Unity.  God desires unity for His people.  The pastor emphasized this point at the end of the sermon, which astounded me.  I had never focused on this idea when reading this passage and now it was impossible to overlook it.

Our triune God is the perfect picture of unity.  Father, Spirit, Son are three in one.  Interwoven.  Perfect relationship and wholeness.  I had remarked in my previous post on how God desires faithfulness from us, because He was first faithful to us.  In that same way, I believe that He desires unity from us, because He first showed us what unity looks like.

The part of the verse that is particularly striking is when Jesus asks for believers to be unified specifically so the world will know that He was sent by God.  This is a huge commission to us, His children.  Our unity as Christians is a reflection of God.

We know this to be true today: there is often disunity within the smallest congregations of believers.  How can we promote or even expect unity across all of Christ's believers.

It made me think of various church organizations around the country.  It seems that some of their actions come from a place of hate and condemnation.  I struggle to witness God's love and grace when I hear condemning words, name-calling, threats of hell fire.  How do I explain to someone who doesn't have a relationship with Christ, that I have a relationship with God the Father - the same God that members of that church are serving.  And at the same time, I feel terrible even using the term that church.  I should want to identify other Christians as brothers and sisters in the faith.

How do I start to explain why the people of denomination A won't take communion with denomination B, and they both think denomination C has the whole idea of Baptism wrong.  And then wait until I try to explain to them how half the members of the church I attend are petrified every Sunday when someone leads the service with a guitar, and the other half refuses to open a hymnal.

As believers, we need to reorient ourselves in the direction of unity.  What does that look like?  I can confidently say, that I don't have a good answer for that.  The dialogue needs to start.  We need to set ourselves aside, and think about how we are showing Christ's love to those who have never encountered it before.  We need to be unified in Christ's desires for us as His people.

The hymn that is referenced in the title of this post continues like this: and they'll know we are Christians by our love.  As Christians, we should long to be a unified picture of Christ's love in this world.  If we look at the whole phrase from the hymn, it reads like this: and we pray that all unity may one day be restored, and they'll know we are Christians by our love.  Our unity, borne out of love, that loves in the way Christ loves, will reveal to others our good and loving God.  We and they will come to pass, and it will be all of us as one.

~SP

Lacking Commitment

Are you familiar with the phrase "hooking up?"  It is a term used in what we'll call the Laguna Beach generation.  Or the generation that grew up on the MTV without any real music videos.  I would consider myself a part of that generation.  It is still widely used today to describe anything from exchanging phone numbers to spending the night with someone.  In other words, it has no concrete meaning - it means whatever the user wants it to mean each time it is used.

I still hear people use it today as a college student.  I wouldn't be surprised if people much older than me use it as well.  I have heard it used so many times, that I have conditioned myself to assume the most extreme definition of the phrase.  As someone who has never used the phrase, or had a reason to use the phrase, I also have to remind myself to respond to it out of a place of love.  Not in a  way that is judgmental and condemning.

What I really feel when I hear someone use the term "hooking up," is sadness.  It is a dull pang of hurt for them, that they are settling for ambiguity instead of commitment.  Uncertainty instead of faithfulness.

Faithfulness is important in all types of relationships - not just romantic relationships.  But it seems it so often gets abused most notoriously in that type of relationship.  Faithfulness is a Godly way of affirming worth.  Our true value and identity are in Christ alone.  However, as individuals, we do acknowledge or reflect that value in our relationships.  Maintaining faithfulness is a way of acknowledging that we know each other's worth - not according to our standards - but by God's standards.

Because God is faithful, so too are we called to be faithful.  Have you ever had an experience where you feel that someone is asking something of you that they aren't willing to do themselves?  Isn't it frustrating?  But in our relationship with God, that is not the case.  That is why we can assuredly say that He is a just God.  God was faithful to us first, and continues to be faithful.  He asks us to be faithful in our relationship to Him, and the relationships we have with others that seek to glorify Him.

There is a praise song that sums it up quite nicely:

Faithfulness, faithfulness is what I long for

Faithfulness is what I need

Faithfulness, faithfulness is what You want from me

When you experience even just a glimpse, a mere moment of God's faithfulness, you will begin to long for it.  You will find it fills you like nothing you have experienced before.  You will find you need Him.  You will find that faithfulness is what He calls you to.

~SP  

      

THURSDAY APRIL 17TH: The Arby's Story (Or, How God Ordains the Little Moments)

"For I know the plans that I have for you" declares the Lord.  We often cling to this prophecy in Jeremiah 29 when we don't know what the immediate or distant future holds for us.  In this verse we often focus on our own plans.  We focus on the job plans, the school plans, the marriage plans, the kid plans, the home plans...what about the way we fit in to God's plan.  He ordains those plans too.  It is not just about God knowing where we will go to grad school or when we are going to get an accepted offer on a house.  It is about God knowing where He can use us to show His grace and spread His love.

A few years ago, back when I was in high school, my family and I stopped at Arby's after church.  We often grabbed lunch at Arby's or Culver's near our church when we had something to do right after church.  On this particular Sunday we were headed downtown Milwaukee to the Domes.  The Domes, for non-Milwaukee natives, are three large domes that contain botanical gardens.  I believe on this Sunday I was playing for a St. Patricks Day event.  So we stopped at Arby's to fuel up before heading downtown.

There was a young man who worked at this Arby's - we will never know his real name - so we'll just refer to him as Arby's guy.  Arby's guy was a notorious mumbler.  After "Welcome to Arbys..." you couldn't understand anything he said.  So orders would often get jumbled up.  You could always expect to get something different that what you intended to order.  It happened to us that day, and we ended up with an extra free sandwich, courtesy of Arby's.  None of us needed this sandwich so we just held on to it for later, and we headed downtown.

Milwaukee is a wonderful place.  It has rich culture.  It is also a place where God is at work.  There is a lot of brokenness and poverty, just like many places across the country.  God is at work through many people, churches and missions, helping to feed the hungry and to give the homeless a place to belong.  As we drove downtown that day there was a man standing on the side of a bridge with a sign.  I can't tell you exactly what it said, but I know it was something about food.

This bridge was not an easy place to pull over on our journey downtown.  We were a few lanes over from the man, and we were not able to stop.  But I can remember my brother saying, I want to give that man our sandwich.  My dad had to keep driving, but he promised we would swing back that way after we were done at the Domes to see if the man was still there.

About two hours later it was time to leave, and my dad made good on his promise.  We drove around the same way, this time in the lane closest to the side of the bridge that the man would be on.  And he was still there.  We were able to pull over, roll down the window and give him the extra Arby's sandwich.

God has a perfect will and a perfect plan laid out for our lives, and the lives of others, each day.  He knows that a messed up fast food order for a family who attends church in Brookfield, will provide a long-awaited lunch for a man living on the streets of Milwaukee.

No coincidence.  The Author and Perfector knows the words before He pens them.  He knows our stories.  Each and every detail.

I know that I am a planner.  You don't have to give me a personality test to help me figure that one out.  And when things don't go according to plan...watch out!  But I step back, and I realize that I was created by the ultimate planner.  One who has laid it all out from the beginning.  The Planner who can take the willings and the doings of broken people and weave them back in to His will and His purpose.

~SP

MONDAY APRIL 7TH: The Essay I Should Have Written

During the past year I have been up to my eye balls in personal statements and essays.  The career services office at IU would tell you the purpose of writing these statements is to market yourself in the best way possible.  What writing these statements will do is bring on a heavy dose of self-reflection.  And panic - because there are moments when you just can't figure out how to put yourself on a piece of paper.

I am honored to report that one of those personal essays has secured me a spot as a dietetic intern at Mt. Mary University next year.  God is good.  He is patient.  His will is glorious.  I am so excited to continue on this journey to serve Him as a dietitian.  (This is just an announcement on the side :) )

I had to write a personal essay this year on what my greatest accomplishment at IU was.  I feel like I've done a lot at IU these past fours - nevertheless, it took me forever to write.  I loaded it full of academic this and teaching assistant that.  Volunteer hours here, leadership role there.  Those things are all great - but they don't do justice to what these four years have been in my life.

My mom explained it perfectly this evening while we were chatting: these four years have been remarkable because of the way I have grown in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  I have truly become a new person in Him.

Rough days, weeks and months have gone by, but I have experienced the savior who calms the storms within me.  I have experienced the redeeming power of the God who truly sees me.  I have buried myself in the miry pit, and have been pulled out by God's gracious hand.

I have watched my parents work everyday to live a life that is glorifying to God, and I have started to learn what that means for my own life.  What it means to wake up every morning and show faith, trust, grace, love - just like Jesus would have.

So if I could re-write that essay, I would say it is not about what I have accomplished, but about who I have become.  When I leave IU, I will add "Hoosier" to my identity.  I gave four years of time to this place.  But I am first and foremost the daughter of a good and glorious King.  I have given my life to Him.  My truest identity is in Him.

~SP

TUESDAY APRIL 1ST: Selfies

Have you every witnessed someone taking a "selfie?"

(First, let us formally define selfie.  A selfie is where a person uses a camera-type device - typically a smart phone - and holds it out in front of them self in order to capture a picture.  No one has yet found a floating camera.  And most of us do not have personal photographers who follow us constantly.  So we take selfies.)

It is such a strange moment to catch another person taking a picture of them self.  They know you're watching, and so they make haste so as not to make it a huge ordeal.  Because of technological developments, they are not able to see the image that the camera will capture as they take it.  This allows them to alter their hair or make different faces before snapping the picture.

Selfie-taking is so prevalent in our culture today that people are already doing studies on it.  Why are we so obsessed with taking pictures of ourselves.

This is what I want to do a study on - how many selfies have you taken that you are truly satisfied with?  How many have you taken without being critical of your looks?  How many times have you not retaken a selfie - just went with the first one you took?

Selfies are rough.  Our arms aren't long enough to get the phone a proper distance away.  Selfies get us where we are vulnerable - right up in our grill.  So we mask that vulnerability with a pouty lip or scrunched eyes.

In my opinion, a selfie also says it's all about me!  That is an attitude that may get you far in life - but you won't end up in the places that you want to be.

But here's is another problem with selfies - it is a failed attempt at introspection.  It is a good thing to know one's self.  To know your identity - specifically your identity in Christ.  But when we look at ourselves in the selfie type way, we are cheating ourselves.  We can't be honest in that moment when it is just us.  We have to prove something to ourselves - that we can live up to the world's standards; that we can compare to others.

So here is some photography advice:

Give Someone Else the Camera

You are beautiful.  That is not a cliche.  That is a fact.  The one who made you thinks so every day.  He spent time and put care into making you who you are.  He knows you in the purest and most whole way.  He can see what the world can't see.  He can see what you  can't see.  But He longs for you to see it too.  He longs for you to know that you are beautiful because He created you.  It may be difficult to understand, but if you set aside the world's standards for beauty and for living, it can be revealed to you.  You can start to embrace it.

Turn the Camera Around

The beauty of the very first camera my parents gave me was the element of surprise.  It was probably between 1996 and 2000, (that was the year, not age of the camera) and you still had to press a button to pop up the flash.  It was a film camera - not a digital camera - no screen to show you what you are looking at.  So when I didn't know what the images looked like until they were developed.  But they were beautiful.  They were what I never expected.  They were a beautiful moment captured.  I saw what was outside of myself, and it was beautiful.  If I had only spent time taking pictures of me, I would have missed everything around me.

~SP