I have been learning a lot about surrender this year. When I clicked the button today and sent my application into cyber space (but truly, into God's hands), Chris Tomlin's words crossed my mind: Embrace Surrender.
If you look up surrender in the dictionary, you find this definition:
To give up, abandon or relinquish.
If you look up embrace, you'll find this:
To clasp in the arms; press to the bosom.
It seems like embrace and surrender are two opposing forces. One is telling us to release and one is telling us to cling.
Or it may be that when we are able to embrace surrender, we are then able to embrace God. When we let go of everything of ourselves, everything of this world, we have Christ to cling to. He is the anchor we hold to. He is a far more powerful foothold than any that we can design for ourselves.
"When you and I embrace surrender. When you and I choose to believe. Then you and I will see who we were meant to be."
I love silence. I love silent walks. I love silent car rides. I love silent mornings and afternoons. I am comfortable with silence far past most people's parameters.
Silence is a starry night in the middle of Green Lake, WI. The velvet blue sky is silent. The green grass is silent. The cool lake is silent. And I am silent.
Silence is a few hours of sleep here or there. Silence is a walk home from campus.
I find silence comforting, because in the silence I don't have to have the answers. In the silence, I can listen for the words that God is speaking to my heart.
So I may be silent for a while. My writing will probably be scarce.
I need some time to ask God what he wants of me and for me. I need some time in prayer, just with Him.
"For God alone, my soul, wait in silence. For my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5
The big leaps that I have been afraid of for awhile are here. It is exciting and terrifying, and it is time for it to happen.
On February 15th, the internship application is out of my hands and into the hands of the internship directors. It has always been, and will continue to be in God's hands. I know that, and I have come to trust that more and more.
"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
I am going to sit and wait in the silence for a while. That is ok. I know that God will speak. God will make His will known at the perfect time. With God it is an easy, and beautiful silence.
Be Thou my vision. God, may I see things in Your way. May I seek Your will from the time I get up in the morning, to the moment that I lay my head down to rest at night. May You be the guide of my mind and my heart; the guide of my footsteps. May You be the director of the plans for my life. May I look for You and seek You in all that I do. Be the lamp that lights my path.
Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee, and Thou with me Lord
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one
God, be the captain of my heart and mind. May Your spirit rest upon me in all decisions that I make. May Your spirit guide my actions, and help me to choose my words. May I seek to have a relationship with You, all of my days. When others see me, let them see Your glory. May they know whose daughter I am. May they know Your grace.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art
God, help me to be generous in all ways. Help me to know and trust that You will provide. Remind me that there is none greater than the reward of life with You in Your kingdom. Humble me, Lord. Be first in my heart. Be the first breath I have in the morning. You are my treasure Lord. None can compare.
High King of heaven, Thy victory won
May I reach Heaven's joy, O bright heaven's son
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all
You are the High King of heaven. You are great and there is none like you. Wherever I may stumble along the way. Whenever my life shall go off course. Still be my vision. You are the heart of my own heart. The holder and protector of my heart.
God, may you be my vision in the season ahead, and always.
In my parent's Honda CRV, there is a stack of CDs about an 1.5 inches thick wedged into the space just below the CD player. That is overflow from the CDs that are actually in the CD case laying between the driver's seat and the passenger's seat in the front of the car. For the last 4+ years, my brother and I have created mix CDs for every road trip, family vacation, major event. It is interesting and sometimes hilarious to see what we had been listening to at various times within the past 4 years.
For us, Mix CDs are a way of cataloging - like mp3 scrap-booking. There are stories and memories that go with the songs. The speech I gave to my class at my high school graduation was a mix of songs that I thought captured our high school experience and the futures that we were each heading into.
So without further ado, here is the Christmas Hymn Mix
1. Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
At Christmastime at my grandparents, my cousins and I used to organize a Christmas play or talent show. For quite a few years the only Christmas song that we all knew the words to was Hark, the Herald Angels Sing. (Although, I used to sing "mercy minor" instead of "mercy mild" - that was just my interpretation...) The memories with my cousins, and with the rest of my family are so important. We aren't the family that says "hey, I'll take a bullet for you." I'm sure we would do that - but rather, we are the family that says, "I am rich in everything that matters, because I have you." That is what is important to me at Christmas.
2. Angels We Have Heard on High
This is one of my favorite hymns, because I remember my dad teaching me how to pronounce Excelsis Deo one time in church. He told me to just say "egg shells-ez," and I have always remembered that. Gloria, in egg-shells-ez Deo.
Glory to God in the highest.
3. Silent Night
I will always remember at the end of all of my elementary school Holiday concerts we ended with Silent Night. A beautiful image of what that still, beautiful night was when Jesus was born. The lights would go down in our gymnasium as everyone, all grades and their parents, joined to sing Silent Night. I can still recall a lot of the other songs we sang - one about being a package and sending yourself to someone. I remember the year that my class got up to sing it, and we all started singing the wrong verse - we were cracking up, but our teacher probably didn't think it was too funny. Or the classic, Christmas is coming, the Goose is getting fat; Please put a penny in the old man's hat. You can only imagine the parodies that grade-schoolers came up with for that song. And then the stillness of Silent Night to wrap up the concert.
4. Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus
The opening words of this hymn are a great reminder of what Christmas is about. Come, Thou long expected Jesus. Not the presents under the tree. Not the food on the table. Not the lights or the extravagance. Jesus. He is who we are waiting for this season. He is who we are opening our hearts to.
5. O Come All Ye Faithful
This hymn is in a big red hymn book on our piano at home. It begins with a call to the faithful, joyful and triumphant. Do you always fit those categories? I know I don't. Have you ever been grumpy, frustrated or felt defeated...and then someone asks you to hold a baby? How do you feel with that baby in your arms? They are probably sweet, warm, smiling. It's hard to hold on to those negative feelings with a baby in your arms. With the sweet, innocent baby, those burdensome feelings dissipate. We may not come with strong faith or with a joyful and triumphant heart - but in the presence of our savior, a humble babe in a manger, who has the power to ease our burdens, we can be transformed.
6. In the Bleak Midwinter
My favorite verse of this song begins with "What can I give Him, poor as I am? If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb." At the end of the verse, it resolves "What can I give Him? I give Him my heart." That is the most important thing at Christmas. It can't be purchased. It can't be wrapped and put under the tree. The most important thing about Christmas is that our hearts our present - with God and with our family and friends. The world may tell you that you don't have much to give - but God tells you that you have everything to give.
(And this is also an excuse to add a little JT to the Christmas mix. Not Justin Timberlake - the original JT :) )
7. Go Tell it On the Mountain
That is our mission and purpose - Christmas can be the starting point, but we must go out from there and let others know about greatest gift ever given. It is truly the gift that keeps on giving and that grows bigger every time it is given. Go out to the mountains. Go out to the supermarket. To your school. Tell them with your words or with your actions - or both. God's love was born in a manger. Journeyed to the cross. And His love is still overflowing from there.
Merry Christmas! May the love and peace of Jesus Christ be with you this season and in all the seasons!
It is moments like this that I am humbled, and returned back to what is important, and what really matters. At the end of this video, Leo, the man that the story is about, is asked how he keeps his "inner peace." He says simply, "Faith. Prayer. That's what it's all about." What you find out about Leo during the course of the video, which was posted on Upworthy, is that he has been homeless and jobless for quite some time. You'll be amazed by Leo's story. When given the opportunity to learn computer coding and the possibility of a high paying job, what Leo really wants to do is design something that will better protect the planet. A man who has no home, or car, or regular meals, still thinks of the betterment of others before himself.
Growing up, when I would see the faith of people, especially in 3rd world, impoverished countries, who proclaim this incredible faith in God, I was amazed. They go for years without rain. Have no homes. Have little to no food or water. Their land is ridden with disease. I would like to think if I lived in those places and had those circumstances that my faith would be strong too. But it is a reminder, that we can't just claim that God is good when the blessings are material and tangible - God is good because He gave Himself in abundance, and continues to give of Himself in abundance.
This year has been an incredible dose of perspective in what I really need. The truth is, there are a lot of things I can do without. It is not always easy, because when you get used to things you have to work on adapting. But that is the point, they are things. Things are not necessary. Things can be replaced.
This is what I have come to know: the worst type of poverty is spiritual poverty. Being hungry is terrible. Not having a place to sleep at night is terrible. Not having a job is terrible. Having all of those things but not having Jesus is worse. Losing all of those things and not having Jesus - I'm not sure where I would be.
"This is what I have come to know: the worst type of poverty is spiritual poverty."
I was humbled by this man's gratitude at the end of this video. Gratitude that can only be inspired by faith. Simple gratitude for God being who God is, and God doing what God does. Again, it's not just about being thankful for the tangible blessings. Things we can touch. Things that actually happen. It is about God being the creator and redeemer - and us being grateful for that.
So I believe that God is working on my heart. I just wrote about my doubt and my fear - but I can already feel God working in my heart to change those things. Reminding me that He takes care of it all if I am willing to surrender everything to Him. Give up my plans. Trust that if the plans don't come out exactly how I foresee them, it is not that I have failed, it is just that God has another direction in mind.
This is my biggest struggle right now. Doubt. I am struggling with a lot of insecurities of what the future brings. Whether I will be selected for an internship. Whether I will have the means to take that internship. I've never experienced doubt this great. Doubt that fractures trust. It is consuming.
It is so hard to not be in on every detail, every step of the plan. Because that is control - and I like control, because it makes me feel secure. But I also know safety and security in Jesus - so how can that be so hard to rely on in this time?
A friend who prayed for me, and with me, a few weeks ago offered this up in prayer: God, it is when we are helpless and have surrendered that you do wonderful, amazing things, that You take control. Sometimes we treat God as if He is the God that just shows up sometimes. He reveals something wonderful to us, pours out blessing, and we say, oh look, there He is! God just showed up. But He didn't. God was always there. It was you or I that was holding out. Holding on to the plans and trying to make our own.
It is not a magic trick. There is no magic prayer or words that allow God to do His work. It is you and I who have to do the surrendering. God can take control of the plans with or without our surrender, and He does. But He wants us to choose His will. When we surrender, we realize that God didn't come running upon our decision. He has been there all along - we just failed to see.
My doubt is holding me back from surrender. So I pray. I pray that I will be able to wholeheartedly give up the plans and surrender. The the outcomes of my efforts in April, whatever they may be, are in God's hands.
Last summer, I stood in front of a bunch of kids and adults that I loved. I told them about the God I knew, and how He provides exactly what we need. And now I need to hear those words, with my ears and with my heart. God provides.
God you are good, and you know my heart. My standing up, and my sitting down. You, who hem me in before and behind will carry me, love me, provide for me, and give me hope. You ask for my surrender. Help me where I am weak to lean on you. Lift up the burden of doubt. Let any plans that I may have, be yours.
In past posts, I have talked about the scripture in Genesis, where God speaks to Abraham and tells him that his descendants will be as numerous as the stars.
Psalm 174: 4
He determines the number of stars; He gives to all of them their names.
Those stars were us - the ones that God pointed out to Abraham. No, we aren't literally gaseous balls of fire, but we were planned and are known by God, just like it is described in the Psalms.
And then in the gospels, we read about the bright star shining in the sky. The one that led the wise men to Jesus. The one that inspired Christmas hymns. The one that often adorns our Christmas trees.
What was that star? Why did God choose to put it there? The star stood out above all the rest. It could be noticed, because it was bright - it made it easy for travelers to follow.
We were stars placed in the sky. We were placed as a part of a family. We were sons and daughters of God. And on the night that Jesus was born, God placed another Son in the sky among us. The star was made up of the same matter as the other stars, just as Jesus was human. However, there was something different about that star. Something not of this world. Something unlike the other stars.
We have always been a part of God's family, but we often fall away. We distance ourselves, we become like strangers. We estrange ourselves from the family. Then God sent a sibling to live among us. One who had been living in perfect Unity with the Father. One who could tell us about the Father, and how His heart longed for our return. He would bring with Him the offer of adoption back into the family - to lay the things of the world aside. Jesus came like a bright and radiant star in the midst of dark night, so that the other fading stars could have their light restored and be held in their place by the hands of God.
